Parts Unknown: The Habitual Rapist Aliens Capper!

Hello folks. Dustin again. After a  needed break from my last review i have returned with a new installment of my series. This may be popular with the James Cameron's "Avatar" fans because the Aliens in the comic i read today are just as ridiculous.

This review can't be backed up by cold hard facts because i can't find a product description of it on the comic itself, or anywhere on the internet. My guess is the company that made it are trying to hide it's shame. But this being the second issue of the series I was a little lost reading it. Not that I'm not lost anytime i read one of these crappy comics that were put on my  shoulders by the evil fates that watch over me.

This story was written by Beau Smith and Penciled by Brad Gorby.(If i had to guess what they are up to now, i would assume running from the nationwide manhunt for multiple multiple rapes.)

The overall story is that Aliens have hidden themselves among us, mostly in corporate positions of power, effectively controlling the human race, without anyone the wiser. Only two people know about this alien invasion. Mel Gibson from 1989, and his plucky female sidekick. And what do they do about it? Tell the government? The press? Or option 3, shoot some motherfuckers in the head? Any idea?

                                 (Welcome to earth, you little scale covered bitch)

Oh, and when i said it was Mel Gibson, i meant it. I was not being silly.

                      (Fighting intergalactic wars, one abusive phone call at a time)


Now the average Joe would infer that Mel gibson and plucky sidekick are trying to save the earth. It's most likely the right answer, but I being the non average fellow i am don't think this is the main story line. I think Mel Gibson and Plucky sidekick are working freelance for a radical "anti aliens who rape" group. They aren't trying to find a super alien weapon that is going to blow up Earth. Or preventing a deadly virus from being unleashed. They just hunt down aliens and cap their asses....But the aliens just always seem to be attempting to rape attractive females. Now like a good defense attorney would argue that there is no picture evidence to prove that these aliens are committing rape. Fact. But like a good public defender, my rebuttal to this is a mound of head turning evidence.

                                    ("jI neH wIj 'oS" Klingon for i want my lawyer )

Well folks as silly as this comic was i still wasted a few hours reading and  writing this review. So I'm going to go grab my tin foil hat, and try to get Mel Gibson to help me stay safe, hopefully when i call him he won't tell me to "SMILE AND BLOOOOOW ME!!!"

Otis Goes to Hollywood!

OTIS GOES TO HOLLYWOOD.

                                        (My biceps have biceps on their biceps)

Well, God damn it all folks. It's Dustin again and i am unfortunatley reviewing yet another Crappy comic book. As i introduce this article i must apologize for any swearing you may encounter, due to my complete and utter frustration to the fact that someone woke up one day and said"Yes, Today i make my dream of Otis going to town real!"

Otis was written and illustrated by Bob Fingerman.( You deserve to die, And i hope you burn in hell!)

Let's just get it out in the open right now. Otis is a combination of the Arnold Schwarzenegger film "Commando" and the pornographic film "Deep throat." No you didn't hear wrong. The story starts as Otis, an amnesia stricken black ops marine goes to Hollywood in search of his Twin brother Craig,the only person he remembers. Craig also a black ops marine. Immediately arriving in Hollywood Otis magically finds a porno film studio, in which his brother Craig works part time when not killing terrorist cells. The comic doesn't explain this next part well, but what i interpreted was that the porno film director offers Otis his brothers job because they are twins

Quickly Otis takes over the porn industry around the Hollywood area donning the stage name, i shit you not"Oscar Mayer Otis." Now i don't know if this is great marketing or ruining hot dogs for me with every passing thought. 

                                        (........Yummy?)

So Otis continues working the porn circuit and stumbles onto a porn actress(No pun intended) who dated his brother Craig. With no new information about his brother Otis decides to date this woman who is named Lucy, and they fall madly in love. Two pages later Otis is on another porn set which is appropriately themed in a military warzone. So Otis is shooting machine guns while going to town on another porn star, named krystal, who he thinks he is developing feelings for.(You read that right)

Meanwhile on another porn set, Craig shows up on Lucy's porn set, pretending to be his brother Otis just so he can bang her. Word gets back to Otis in unrealistic time and for about 1 page Otis runs from his porn set screaming "CRAAAIIIIGGG!!!!!"

The final act of this sticky,Paris Hilton flavored comic Otis finds Craig sleeping with Lucy. Otis kills Craig by literally flicking his head off. Then he calls Lucy a cheating whore and dumps her. Otis then marries porn star interest number 2, Krystal and they retire from pornography. The final panel is the two kissing as Krystal hands Otis a lunch pale as he leaves to go to work as a Butcher.The subplot of Otis having amnesia is never resolved.

This story was harder to read than it is to watch Schindler's list. This comic is an insult to comics and graphic novels. For every Alan more, there is a Bob Fingerman. Fuck you sir. Fuck you very much for having to put your sick amnesia porn star fetish idea onto pad and paper. Well folks, i am going to get online to find a sniper rifle, Bob fingerman and i are going to have a certain chat about me being the last thing he never sees.

                        (Poor krystal, retired from porn and still has meat in her face)

Crow of the Bear Clan.

Hello folks. My name is Dustin and i am here to review the my first official crappy comic for you all.

Crow of the Bear Clan, Written by Mike Haden, illustrated by Ken Hooper, Published by Blackthorne Publishing. (May god have mercy on their souls)

Crow takes place in a native land known as "The Valleys" This world is made up of groups of valleys,each valley is the home of a certain clan of Teddy bears. Yes that's right. Teddy bear Indians. I'm not kidding you when i tell you that the first words of this story are "This is the story of a Teddy, not yet a fighter." The main character is the the little shit known as Crow, who i can assume is around the age of 11 or 12.

The story starts as Crow is walking in the wilderness, picking for berries on the border of his valley. And like any normal teenage Indian Teddy bear, Crow is in the process of getting drunk from fermented berries, he explains how his father taught him. (Classy right?) After getting drunk off his balls and sleeping off his super. Crow realizes he smells smoke and his village is being attacked. He runs home to see an invasion force of reptilian knights slaughtering his kin, decapitations, disembowelment, heads on pikes insue. To this act of violence Crow screams "Darn it, NO!" Crow proceeds to walk into the battle and picks up a pick axe and  as best as an inexperienced fighter can, starts fighting. He somehow makes his way through the battlefield unharmed and a death toll of 2 reptilian knights. He somehow walks up to the  Reptilian army General and proceeds to tell him off for invading his land. And while Crow is playing his Teddy bear Gandhi card, the reptilian general's guards show up and kick the crap out of  Crow. The General reptile then grows wings and flies away for no god damn reason.

Crow is then cast into slavery for the Reptiles, along with any other Teddy Bear survivor. For Days Crow is forced to march to the giant stronghold of the Reptilian army. At this point Crow contemplates escape, but decides not too and for some crazy reason, amuses the thought of being someones slave and hopes his owners are nice. Not my choice of writing style but  fine i can roll with it. Crow meets his owners, a fine couple of chaps who remind me of abbot and Costello, if  they were sadistic nazi. Crow gets whipped and beaten by the two slave owners for a good page and a half and then gets thrown into a cell. Crow didn't want to be a slave anymore obviously. Crow finds a loose brick in his cell and crawls out.

He wanders the halls of the reptilian stronghold for two pages before walking into the royal throne room. No Guards, no pedestrians. Crow walks up to  the leader of the Reptilian Race, their king. Now before i continue i thought this reptile looked a little weird. I thought i was seeing things. But i wasn't. The King of the reptiles was a fur covered land mammal. A badger or wolverine by my guess. That's right folks. A mammal is the king of reptiles.  

                                                    (And you thought Karl Rove was a political genius)
                                  
Now The king Badger-wolverine sees Crow walk into his chambers and doesn't really give a damn. As if prisoners walk in all the time to see whats up. King Badger-wolverine offers Crow a raw Heart of a Teddy bear for dinner. This act brings out Crows inner bear warrior and Crow charges at King badger-wolverine with a spear (From where he got said spear i do not know). Now Crow somehow misses his one shot to avenge the slavery of his people and misses  the king as he is charging with his spear and runs right past him and out the plate glass window of the throne room. I'm not kidding, As he is falling down this only presumable fatal distance he pleads for his mother to take him to a better place. Immediately in the next panel he screams "WHHHOOOAAA, I think this was a bad idea!!!!!!" and then i am thankfully left with a " to be continued."

It took about an hour and a half to read and write this blog and i really believe i wasted this time in my short life reviewing this piece of shit comic. Crow has some real issues for an 11 or 12 year old teddy bear. He is an alcoholic, masochistic Bear, who is fine and accepting of either slavery or death. I may be a prick but i hope the later happens to this bear and i am truly thankful i  never have to read this comic again. Winter is coming and i have kindling.
                                                                          
                                            Until next time folks. I'm Dustin, Thanks for reading!

                                                          (Carebears eat your heart out.)