Crow of the Bear Clan, Written by Mike Haden, illustrated by Ken Hooper, Published by Blackthorne Publishing. (May god have mercy on their souls)
Crow takes place in a native land known as "The Valleys" This world is made up of groups of valleys,each valley is the home of a certain clan of Teddy bears. Yes that's right. Teddy bear Indians. I'm not kidding you when i tell you that the first words of this story are "This is the story of a Teddy, not yet a fighter." The main character is the the little shit known as Crow, who i can assume is around the age of 11 or 12.
The story starts as Crow is walking in the wilderness, picking for berries on the border of his valley. And like any normal teenage Indian Teddy bear, Crow is in the process of getting drunk from fermented berries, he explains how his father taught him. (Classy right?) After getting drunk off his balls and sleeping off his super. Crow realizes he smells smoke and his village is being attacked. He runs home to see an invasion force of reptilian knights slaughtering his kin, decapitations, disembowelment, heads on pikes insue. To this act of violence Crow screams "Darn it, NO!" Crow proceeds to walk into the battle and picks up a pick axe and as best as an inexperienced fighter can, starts fighting. He somehow makes his way through the battlefield unharmed and a death toll of 2 reptilian knights. He somehow walks up to the Reptilian army General and proceeds to tell him off for invading his land. And while Crow is playing his Teddy bear Gandhi card, the reptilian general's guards show up and kick the crap out of Crow. The General reptile then grows wings and flies away for no god damn reason.
Crow is then cast into slavery for the Reptiles, along with any other Teddy Bear survivor. For Days Crow is forced to march to the giant stronghold of the Reptilian army. At this point Crow contemplates escape, but decides not too and for some crazy reason, amuses the thought of being someones slave and hopes his owners are nice. Not my choice of writing style but fine i can roll with it. Crow meets his owners, a fine couple of chaps who remind me of abbot and Costello, if they were sadistic nazi. Crow gets whipped and beaten by the two slave owners for a good page and a half and then gets thrown into a cell. Crow didn't want to be a slave anymore obviously. Crow finds a loose brick in his cell and crawls out.
He wanders the halls of the reptilian stronghold for two pages before walking into the royal throne room. No Guards, no pedestrians. Crow walks up to the leader of the Reptilian Race, their king. Now before i continue i thought this reptile looked a little weird. I thought i was seeing things. But i wasn't. The King of the reptiles was a fur covered land mammal. A badger or wolverine by my guess. That's right folks. A mammal is the king of reptiles.
Now The king Badger-wolverine sees Crow walk into his chambers and doesn't really give a damn. As if prisoners walk in all the time to see whats up. King Badger-wolverine offers Crow a raw Heart of a Teddy bear for dinner. This act brings out Crows inner bear warrior and Crow charges at King badger-wolverine with a spear (From where he got said spear i do not know). Now Crow somehow misses his one shot to avenge the slavery of his people and misses the king as he is charging with his spear and runs right past him and out the plate glass window of the throne room. I'm not kidding, As he is falling down this only presumable fatal distance he pleads for his mother to take him to a better place. Immediately in the next panel he screams "WHHHOOOAAA, I think this was a bad idea!!!!!!" and then i am thankfully left with a " to be continued."
It took about an hour and a half to read and write this blog and i really believe i wasted this time in my short life reviewing this piece of shit comic. Crow has some real issues for an 11 or 12 year old teddy bear. He is an alcoholic, masochistic Bear, who is fine and accepting of either slavery or death. I may be a prick but i hope the later happens to this bear and i am truly thankful i never have to read this comic again. Winter is coming and i have kindling.
Until next time folks. I'm Dustin, Thanks for reading!
